Already raising children
One says no, the other says yes: agreeing on parenting
One parent says “put the phone away”; the other allows five more minutes. The issue may be less about strictness than an unclear shared rule and purpose.
Clear About Us editorial team · Sources and editorial approach
The hard question
If you disagree with your partner’s decision, what do you do in front of the child?
Coparenting does not require identical personalities
A meta-analysis links adult coordination with children’s adjustment difficulties. Causality may run both ways: a child’s difficulties can also strain the adults’ relationship.
You need not play, speak, or comfort in identical ways. Agree on a few core rules without turning differences into a contest over the better parent.
Do not make a child the messenger
“Tell your mother” and “your father ruins everything” pull a child into adult tensions. Try: “We see this differently and will discuss it.”
Discussing privately does not mean silently backing dangerous conduct. Interrupt threats, violence, and humiliation; safety matters more than presenting a united front.
Rules need age and context
Rather than “no screens,” clarify timing, content, sleep, schoolwork, and exceptions. Young children and teenagers need different approaches. Discuss medical and developmental concerns with an appropriate professional.
Allocate daily responsibilities: illness, school communication, and activities. Decision-making should not be detached from everyday caregiving.
Questions and a small trial agreement
Choose one recurring disagreement. Try a clear rule and review it after a week, listening to the child in an age-appropriate way.
This is not a competition for obedience. Chronic conflict or fear of a partner may require suitable professional and safety support rather than a joint questionnaire alone.
- Which forms of discipline are unacceptable to us?
- What happens when one person reverses the other’s rule?
- Should a child have to hug relatives when they do not want to?
- Who misses work when the child is ill?
- Who decides whether to continue an activity the child dislikes?
Educational information for a conversation, not financial, legal, medical, or mental-health advice. Examples are illustrative and do not determine what is right for a particular couple.